Thursday, November 16, 2006

VISIONS

The following is a guest editorial by the Mrs.

So my DH (deranged hipster) is very busy tonight and doesn’t have time to write; hence I consider it my duty as a help-meet (or “help-me” as reported by a Kent Stater journalist doing a story on an anabaptisty sort of group) to step in and shoulder the burden. I’m afraid I won’t offer any new words, expressions or philosophical treatises (passes around the Kleenex box) but Darren should be back at it next week.

Instead, I will write about facing the masses with new glasses. Yes, as Darren walked to his eye appointment across the hall, I made a series of rotary motions with my fingers around my eyes (a motion that would have meant “you retard” if made at the side of the head, but in this case meant “I need glasses”). I am really not a glasses type of person, but it seems I have mild farsightedness and astigmatism (a diagnosis procured without faking poor results like I did at age eleven with little to no success).

I recently heard an interview with the author of “Men Should Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses.” The whole concept is really exciting and potentially revolutionary for me. Because of the implication that men do NOT currently make random passes at girls who wear glasses. So even though I don’t technically have to wear the glasses except while reading and driving, they might as well be super-glued onto my nose when walking down these mean streets.

Then there’s the whole process of choosing a frame. I tried on a dozen or so. All of which made me look too catty or matronly or dorky. They even had slews of those big round Carla Kauffman glasses – that’s what we always called them. Carla if you’re out there, my apologies, I acknowledge that you have probably had nothing of the sort for a decade or so. And if it’s any consolation to Carla, I chose a pair that will guarantee future generations great senses of humour.

“What do you think about tinted lenses?” Darren asks.
“Oh my goodness, that’s sooo 80’s,” I say.
“But John Lennon wore tinted lenses,” he proclaims as if the fact would leave me no choice but to cheerlead him into taking the big step.
I pause.
“But did John Lennon have pink tinted or blue tinted?”
“Blue.”

Now I pose the question to you. Do you think optimistic people are suckers for rose-tinted lenses and pessimistic ones for blue? But John wasn’t exactly a pessimist now was he? I mean, just listen to Imagine and Happy Christmas. But I’ve always been a little freaked out that he was assassinated on December 8, 1980 (which is my birth year and Bethanie’s birth date). Which might mean that Darren will be assassinated! Gasp. But I always thought it would be a heart attack because that’s what his uncle Clovis did when he moved to NYC with his young wife (who had arthritis just like me). What colour of lenses do you think superstitious people get?

“But do you think any one will take me seriously if I have tinted lenses?”

I for one will never ever take anything he says seriously if muttered from below the blue. But he got them anyway - so I envision many fun, happy times ahead.

3 Comments:

Blogger Miss Jones said...

Nearly 20 years ago when I was young and attractive, I had this theory that if I wore glasses out in public, guys would stop hooting and hollering at me on my way to work in a shop on Bourbon St in New Orleans. I also wore pant and dress suits with them, but it didn't work! Now that I'm old and attractive (aka fabulous and 40), I don't live in NOLA, and mainly I wear bad contacts, but sometimes I wear my glasses out, or people have seen a picture of me in them, or my bf has and I tell ya, some of these kooky guys have a thing for girls who wear glasses! You get dudes peeping at you, sometimes approaching you, so watch out! :)

8:58 PM  
Anonymous terri and josh said...

i enjoyed the guest writer. you should post pictures of you guys in your new glasses. or we will come to new york to see them. and you.

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Marylou said...

Funny post, Jenn! Loved it! btw, I think purple represents psycho so you may or may not want that color tint. :)

7:13 PM  

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